he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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