I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
