New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
