Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
