I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
