I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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