sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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