I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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