You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
