I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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