He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
