i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
