You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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