Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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