She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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