Swine flu. Run for my life!
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
