i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
