The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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