watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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