I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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