Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
