areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
