I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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