I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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