its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
