MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
