Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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