i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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