I faked an abortion last night.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize