Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
