Acid is not a monday night drug
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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