So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
