Ambien. No doubt about it.
I CAN MOONWALK!
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize