dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
