I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
