if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
