And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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