o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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