No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
