Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
