Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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