I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
