you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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