I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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