I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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