he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
