She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize