Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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