I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize