Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
