Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
