woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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