I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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